You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize