I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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