I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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