I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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