You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
