The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
