the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
