she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
