about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
my liver is dry heaving
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize