Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
