i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize