She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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