seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
