My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
