I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
