Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
