In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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