I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
