2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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