I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
