I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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