Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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