I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
