god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize