somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
