just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
