This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
