If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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