Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize