And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
