why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
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