Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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