He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
