I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
