Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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