That's when you crack a 10am beer
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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