I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
