Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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