at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
