idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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