The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
