If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
