Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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