her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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