You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
