i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
