I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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