then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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