Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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