Will you blow on my dice?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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