3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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