Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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