I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
