so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
