How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
