he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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