atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
