I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I believe in your delicious
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
