I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
