help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
