So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
